Without The Third Leg, The Stool Tips Over

Have you ever felt like someone was doing something just to hurt your feelings, but behaving like that is so incongruent with how you've experienced them in the past that maybe you're just paranoid? I'm confused, and it's weaving a small thread of anxiety through my life right now. Compounding that is the fact that I'm feeling extremely misunderstood. I almost always know why I'm doing one thing or another, and can explain exactly why. I've come to find that key elements of my explanation get lost in the mind of the listener. Perhaps only every third word makes it in to the long term memory pan. Mix it all together and a complete fiction is born. The belief in that fiction is fortifying, apparently, since it is clung to most fervently and no amount of effort on my part can dislodge it. Guess what people? I'm out of dynamite.

12 of 12 December

6:50 AM - A nourishing breakfast of tea, vitamins and a Victorian era murder mystery. You know your day is going to be stressful when you have to unwind first thing in the morning.

8:22 AM - Pulling up to my office building with minutes to spare. I'm just that good. Today is the day of our formal holiday party. Since I live too far from the office to go home and change before the event, it's going to be a long day.

10:10 AM - I'm in the midst of preparing my expense report from my last business trip and placing a space reservation in our president's alumni publication.

11:38 AM - I eat my turkey, havarti and cranberry chutney sandwich while organizing my calendar. I'm really booked in December!

2:54 PM - I get to take a huge stack of approved marketing expenditures to finance. They'll rue the day they asked for all spending to be completed before Christmas. RUE THE DAY!

6:11 PM - I've just had my makeup done in advance of the formal party tonight. I have eyebrows! At last!

6:37 PM - I love this dress that I found on eBay. My favorite thing about vintage gowns is that you know that no one else will have anything like it.

7:33 PM - There are about thirteen numbers' difference between the table they told me I was sitting and where I actually found my place card. I really like everyone at this table, and I know we'll have fun at the party. The first course has pancetta in it. I'm optimistic about the food so far.

9:33 PM - The meal was okay until this ersatz BS hit my plate. White chocolate is never a favorite, but this low rent mousse was like Crisco whipped with sugar. Ask me how I know. Answer: I was impatient to lick the beaters whenever my mom made a cake. I've eaten my fair share of sugared Crisco.

9:40 PM - My colleagues definitely enjoy the open bar and unlimited wine service at the table.

10:05 - When the band launches in to "Old Time Rock 'n' Roll" the crowd goes wild. If they play "Sing, Sing, Sing" next, there will be a riot.

11: 12 PM - My childhood friend Lowly Worm always greets me with a smile. The cats are fond of him as well. Lowly and his apple provide hours of entertainment.

Bonus Pictures.

OCTOBER. I love a man in uniform. He looks like he would have lots to talk about, but really he's all flash.

NOVEMBER. Flannel is a make hay while the sun is shining type of dude. His watch word: vigilance.

12 of 12 If you are new to 12 of 12 - here are the basics: 1) ALL PHOTOS MUST BE TAKEN ON THE 12TH OF EACH MONTH. 2) After you post your pictures onto a webpage of your choice (Livejournal, typepad, MySpace, Flickr, etc...) please post the TIME, LOCATION, and A SMALL COMMENT in the pic. 3) You own the rights to all of your pictures. The idea "12 of 12" is Chad Darnell's. While credit is not necessary, please don't credit someone else with the idea. 4) The original concept was at least one body part in the picture. That idea was slowly faded away. The important part is that it is 12 pics. 5) The monthly Bonus pic is a 13th picture and is optional. 6) When referring to the project, please refer to it as "12 OF 12" - not "12 ON 12." 7) Once completed, please e-mail or post the PERMALINK of the post AND the city and state or city and country of WHERE THE PICTURES WERE TAKEN. (If you are on vacation, it's where the pics were taken.) (The permalink is the link to the ENTRY of your page. If you just send me your website, I have to track it down. By listing the permalink, it helps for people to go back and view your previous 12 of 12 entries from previous months.) ANYONE is welcome to join in, even if you've never done it before! I hope you will.

The Seduction of Inertia

After being away for more than a week on business, I find that I want nothing more than to spend time in my house. Even though I have a lot to get done this weekend, I can't seem to want to get on the move. When I'm here, I don't have to think or feel. Or think about not feeling. Or feel like the life that makes sense for me and the life that I desire more than anything will never be the same thing.

Postsecret Truth

I was reading the new Postsecret book on Sunday. There was a card which read "my heart is stupid". I showed it to my friend, saying that was my secret. But since I just told her, it wasn't a secret anymore. She gave me a look that told me she already knew my heart was stupid. I suspect others know my secret, too.

Pie Makes Me Weep

I have an deeply emotional relationship with food. I grew up in a household where every step of preparing and sharing a meal from shopping, to cooking to the actual eating was a way to physically nourish those who emotionally and spiritually nourished us. Dining together was a way to reconnect, to strengthen the bonds we shared. Even when I am alone, I prepare meals and dine at the table, treating myself with the importance of a family. When I'm in a relationship, the sharing of meals with purpose is as important to me as stopping whatever I'm doing to affectionately greet with purpose the one who shares so much happiness with me after a time apart.

Thanksgiving dinner is the zenith of my expression of love through food. In many ways it is more important to me than Christmas. This year, I'm joining friends. I'm looking forward to the ritual of preparing and sharing today's meal. So much so, in fact, that I got misty at the stacks of pies in the Balducci's bakery. I like to think that the bakers made a special effort, and wished the recipients of their efforts well as they worked to put those most comforting desserts together. Pie does not usually make me weep, but Thanksgiving pie... bring out the Kleenex!

Peking Duck Novice No Longer

So I went out with some friends to Spices tonight. We had decided to get Peking duck, along with some other menu items. I have to say, I tasted more cucumber and hoisin sauce than duck. Others who had eaten this preparation in the past said that the skin could have been crispier. I would agree. All the descriptions of this dish that I've read indicate that the skin is supposed to crackle off the bird. When all is said and done, I would probably explore other menu items before going this route again.

I was hoping that they would bring the whole bird to the table and whack its head off a la A Christmas Story. No dice on that one. They carved it table side, but it was without head and feet.

Brothers!

After more than a year together, my cats are finally the companions for each other that I'd hoped. I caught them napping today.
Very different from the first day they met. Things were not so cozy that day.

I Love Dr. The King!

I love Rev. Dr. Martin Luther The King! I have a picture of him in my office. It's taken a long time, but finally the groundbreaking ceremony for the new Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. memorial was in DC earlier this week. One of my co-workers sent me a photo collection of the event. Guess who was in the crowd? Not Nick Cannon, though he was there. That's right, DC's "Mayor for Life" Marion Barry. It completely calls to mind Chris Rock's comments on the Million Man March; "Even in our finest hour, we had a crackhead on stage." Chris is wise. So wise. Oddly, Rev. Jesse Jackson, who was not at Coretta Scott King's funeral, was at the ceremony. What's the story behind THAT, I wonder.

I was in Memphis last year and we drove by the Lorraine Motel on our way to dinner. I didn't realize where we were until the car rounded the bend. What a shockeroo! I immediately began crying my eyes out. Not for nothin', but what kind of MF city has a statue to the founding member of the Klan in the middle of the city park and a memorial to the most effective and influential leaders of the American Civil Rights Movement within miles of each other? It figures that King would have his life stolen in that cracker-ass city.

12 of 12 November

6:30 AM - Have You Seen the Little Piggies? If Pepper and Flannel had watches, every hour would say "chowtime". They eat as if they are in a prison cafeteria; one eye on the food and one eye on each other. Pepper is always looking to steal Flannel's food even though they eat the exact same thing.

I'm up this early because I'm trying to decide whether I have time to work out in Arlington, VA before I have to be in Poolesville, MD at 10:30. I don't.





8:15 AM - Out of the shower and ready to start the day.





9:15 AM - Every time I go to my facialist, I bring all the products I use so we can evaluate how effective they are. I swear I use more lotions, potions and unguents on my face than I do actual cosmetics. I better look this good for a long-ass time.

10:30 AM - This is where I'll spend the next three hours or so. My facialist had to reschedule a couple of times this weekend, so I get a free glycolic peel. I love this woman. She always takes her time and works to make sure that I'm comfortable and my skin has never looked better. She's wonderful.

2:50 PM - I'm so involved in listening to the Tavis Smiley show, that I missed my exit onto 495 and end up near the Tyson's corner mall. I'm about 20 minutes from home, so I just circle the mall and get back on the right track.




3:20 PM - I take a drive by National Park Seminary. I've wanted to live here ever since I heard they were rehabbing it. The prices on the units left are far beyond my means, but I keep hoping that since they are so far behind in thier construction schedule that people will start dropping out on the preliminary contracts on units that I can aspire to.


3:35 PM - "Nobody's perfect." What a great line. Some Like it Hot is a great movie.

3:50 PM - Now that the heat is on in my building, I set up the humidifier to combat the dry air. Pepper hates this thing. He smacked it twice and tried to bite it within 10 minutes of my setting it up.

4:10 PM - The urge to purge has overtaken me. Two bags full of clothes to ratty to donate and some extremely over the hill seat cushions are ready to go to the dumpster.

7:05 PM - Dinner is ready. I made sage chicken and sausages. This recipe makes enough for lunches for the rest of the week. I know that we have a big presentation to get out during the middle of the week; I'll have more than one late night.

7:57 PM - Frozen chocolate covered bananas for dessert. Trader Joe's stocks these sporadically, so I buy lots of them when I can. I don't have much of a sweet tooth, and these are just right when I want something desserty.

9: 40 PM - My facialist gave me some bottles of my favorite curly girl hair care line, DevaCurl. This is especially for redheads. I wonder if it will make a remarkable difference.

Bonus Picture: Thankful I am thankful that I got to share the last few years with someone so important to me. I feel as if we're at the beginning of a new understanding that will make our lives better. I like knowing that I'm cared for.

12 of 12
If you are new to 12 of 12 - here are the basics: 1) ALL PHOTOS MUST BE TAKEN ON THE 12TH OF EACH MONTH. 2) After you post your pictures onto a webpage of your choice (Livejournal, typepad, MySpace, Flickr, etc...) please post the TIME, LOCATION, and A SMALL COMMENT in the pic. 3) You own the rights to all of your pictures. The idea "12 of 12" is Chad Darnell's. While credit is not necessary, please don't credit someone else with the idea. 4) The original concept was at least one body part in the picture. That idea was slowly faded away. The important part is that it is 12 pics. 5) The monthly Bonus pic is a 13th picture and is optional. 6) When referring to the project, please refer to it as "12 OF 12" - not "12 ON 12." 7) Once completed, please e-mail or post the PERMALINK of the post AND the city and state or city and country of WHERE THE PICTURES WERE TAKEN. (If you are on vacation, it's where the pics were taken.) (The permalink is the link to the ENTRY of your page. If you just send me your website, I have to track it down. By listing the permalink, it helps for people to go back and view your previous 12 of 12 entries from previous months.) ANYONE is welcome to join in, even if you've never done it before! I hope you will.

Turning the Titanic

I decided several weeks ago to attend a happy hour tonight that was being sponsored by a group that I've socialized with in the past and had a good time with. The event was being held at a "European-style" lounge in DC. European means no decoration and neon uplighting, for those of you that were wondering. One sip of my $6 (on special, normally $12) cosmo cleaned the plaque off my teeth. Bottled lime juice, anyone? I'm discussing the merits of Bruce Lee in general and as Kato in the Green Hornet series in particular when the jackass that waged a harassment and threat campaign on me in October walks in. Fine. There are over 200 people in the bar. We don't have to cross paths. I continue to talk, people move in and out of the conversation as they mingle. I notice that Jackass is slowly working the crowd to get closer. Nuts to that! I do not need any more drama with this guy. I leave, but I wasn't ready for the night to be over.

Once I'm back in Silver Spring, I head over to Ray's the Classics. I figure if the bar is too crowded, I can just snag some Chik-fil-A for dinner. The slowly sinking ship of my evening is completely salvaged by a great seat at the bar, a tall Dark and Stormy and a perfectly done hangar steak. The maitre d' tries to tempt me with the caramel apple desert. "Next time" I promise. The place is practically empty so I end up talking with the bartenders most of my meal. This was the happy hour experience that I was looking for. Easy conversation, fantastic cocktails, great food. Ray's turned the Titanic for me.

I've gone to the dogs!

I took a test to see what sort of dog I would be. Hamilton Hound turns out to be my canine alter ego. I have never heard of this breed, but I'm more familiar with the AKC breeds. I think this is a British based site.

New Lamps for Old

Embracing change is something I’ve been learning to do for the past six years or so. Life had arranged itself, as it often does, to show me that the methods I was using to affect positive change were inadequate. I found the right person to show me new ways to think about myself and approach situations. During this process, I learned some hard truths. The close and loving relationship I had with my mother was in fact insular and damaging. I had been taught to push people away. My lack of empathy was astonishing. It doesn’t help that I’m hard wired as an ENTJ, where thought and reason come before feelings. I had to learn to fit others in to my life, and allow them to care for me. Another hard truth about myself: Caring is a learned skill for me, not an instinct. I had to learn to relax my boundaries, testing myself to accept as a first instinct as opposed to default rejection.

In my last long term relationship, I was deeply in love. My first experience with love as the more emotionally capable person I am now; my first experience with a love that could blossom into a lifetime commitment. From my perspective, we were deeply connected, intertwined in a way that was not based on feelings of dependency or need, but focused more on enjoying the people we were separately and what we became when we were together. I cared about him easily, because he is desperately appealing to me. Caring for people in his life that did not appeal to me was a challenge that I didn’t always meet successfully. My effort was apparent, though I never flagged in my commitment to try.

I also came to care about other people in his life, people that DID appeal to me. There were relationships that I cultivated, that mattered to me, that are now gone, because my love relationship is over. After three years of entertaining these people, sharing milestones in their lives, welcoming new babies, animated conversations, and meals prepared and shared in friendship it’s all gone. Now I feel like they only saw me as an accessory that my partner carried with him, like his keys or his wallet. It did not make a difference to them whether I was there or not. I understand that part of the happiness I felt over the past three years was as a direct result of what I shared with these people. It doesn’t retroactively diminish the quality of the last few years of my life, but it certainly makes me think less of them now. One of my friends has been generous in offering him the goodwill of continued friendship. One of my friends has chosen him and not me. A couple of his friends see me, but don’t invite me to social functions they host, though I certainly have no restrictions on how or when I see them.

As my life begins to take its new shape, I find that it is easier for me to reach out to others, to ask for what I need and to enjoy people as they are. I’m starting new friendships that may deepen or they may not. I am having a good time in the moment with these new folks. They are important to me. As long as they wish to share their friendship with me, I’ll graciously accept it. These new people in my life give me light and warmth, they combine with the people who have remained constant in my life to help me feel connected, and less alone. I am grateful for them.

Water Fountain, It Is ON! Humidifier, You're NEXT!

My cat Pepper has a love/hate relationship with his drinking fountain. He loves to drink from it, and ends every slurping session with a hellatious bite on the lid over the spout. He's got crocodile jaws with crazy psi. I'm afraid that he'll crack the lid one day, but mostly it just ends up in the water reservoir.

He's fascinated by the humidifier as well. He'll stare at the machine for hours, waiting for bubbles to rise as the water is distributed into the air. His attempts to put the croco-jaws on that aren't as effective as the Pat-A-Cake attack. SWAT! That will show the humidifier who's boss.

New smells

I recently changed some of my beauty products and now I spend the day in a fog of new smells. I don't like scented products, so nothing I wear is particularly strong, but there's a definite adjustment period while I walk around in a vanilla and green tea cloud for a while.

Taking a leaf from my friend Heather L's book, I'm posting a product endorsement. My new shampoo is Burt's Bees Color Keeper Green Tea and Fennel Seed. Having naturally curly hair means a struggle to find shampoo with no detergents in it to dry hair out. Dry hair is a curly girl's worst enemy! In fact I have just started to use shampoo again after a two year hiatus. Don't get grossed out! I cleaned my hair every day, I just used conditioner to do it. I boosted my curl power a ton, and always smelled fresh and sweet, as is my nature. Anyone who knows me will tell you I'm fresh.

Private pain in a public forum

For the past few months I've been going through the most wracking grief process I've ever experienced. In many ways it is worse than losing my mother. After years of therapy, I'm much more in tune with my emotions and how I react to situations. I also know that change is possible, as it applies to the person who desires to change, with determination and time. I've got plenty of determination, but no patience. I want to feel better NOW. I want to stop caring NOW. I want to stop hoping for a result that is pure fantasy NOW.

Trying to manage the combination of loss, betrayal, longing and love I feel every day is exhausting. What do you do when you want to hug and shake the crap out of someone in equal measure? I feel like shouting "Wake up, stupid!" in someone's ear. I should shout it in my own as well.

Dusting the Ashes

I was cleaning house today in preparation for guests next weekend. I keep my mom's ashes in a box hand crafted from rare woods. The box sits on my bookshelf in the living room. I see it every day, but today, while cleaning it, I had to really look at it. It's a gorgeous box, but that's not my mom.

Mr. Anderson...

I took a superhero quiz. I tend to agree with the results.

I see the same cat all the time. There must be a glitch in my program.

You scored as Neo, the "One". Neo is the computer hacker-turned-Messiah of the Matrix. He leads a small group of human rebels against the technology that controls them. Neo doubts his ability to lead but doesn't want to disappoint his friends. His goal is for a world where all men know the Truth and are free from the bonds of the Matrix.

Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0
created with QuizFarm.com

12 of 12 October 06

4:50 AM Hitting the snooze button for five more minutes before I have to get up and go to the tear down of this week's trade show. Last night was the long night for the show. We didn't even get out of the convention center until 9 PM, so morning came really early today.


5:20 AM After going to the pet emergency room on Saturday and again on Sunday, Pepper has to be medicated twice a day. I prepare his morning dose before I feed him and Flannel, so that he is enthusiastic about eating anything I put in his mouth.

8:10 AM Arriving at the convention center to coordinate the tear down of our booth. It takes so long to set up, it's kind of amazing that it only takes one day to pack everything up to move out. The area around the convention center is a ghost town compared to the activity during the show.

9:20 AM Shipping our driver simulator back to Salt Lake takes a lot of padding and wrapping. The supporting electronics go on the empty pallet behind the device, and everything is shrink wrapped for shipment. What a glamorous life I lead. Prince should write a song about me. The bonus in this picture is we get to keep the phone!

11:30 AM With everything packed and labeled, I can leave the convention center for some down time. Working trade shows is hard when every day is at least 12 hours long and the concept of a weekend is completely negated. The new convention center has some great art installations. This is a good one; composed of bar stools, guitars, bicycles, kyaks and tennis racquets.

11:45AM I saw these kids as I was walking to my car. They must be out on a field trip. They're all holding on to a yoke of some kind. When that one kid took a tumble, I thought they would all go down like dominoes, but the rest of them stayed on their feet and there were no tears, so everything worked out.

12:30 PM I use Half.com to sell books that I don't want anymore. I had two to send out today. I'll use the $5.00 I make to get a Chick-fil-A or something. Emril's fried chicken recipes are never as good as those sandwiches. Getting right with God has it's benefits, I guess. Good times!

3:40 PM I'm back home and catching up on the episodes of Dexter that I missed. I love this show so far. Who would think of making a show out of a do-gooder serial killer concept? Showtime, that's who. They're trying so hard to be better than HBO. Now that the Sopranos and Sex in the City are out, they may have a shot. My question is: How does he dispose of HIS bodies? I mean, he kills TONS of people. Where does he put them all?

7:28 PM Taking care of some bookkeeping that fell by the wayside this week. I'm good about keeping on top of it, but the emergency vet visits mean Ramen noodles for me for a few weeks. Isn't it gross when your animal's food can cost more than your own? Pepper has to eat special food forever so that he won't have to go to the ER again.

8:30 PM Now that I've sorted the lean from the slightly less lean (no fat in the budget), I'm ready to make up my shopping list for the next week. Pasta is an economizer's friend. It lasts forever and you only need a few ingredients to make it fantastic.

10:34 PM The man himself, Pepper, comes in for some bedtime pats. A careful reading of his Mood Nose indicates that his happiness and relaxation is increasing. You can tell by the intensity of pinkness. He was feeling so bad since the weekend, it was nice to hear him purring again.

10:46 PM Reading a few chapters before falling asleep. I really should be reading my book club book, since we'll be meeting soon, but none of the shops around me are stocking it right now. That's okay, my brain is so fried that an easy read is just the ticket.

12 of 12

If you are new to 12 of 12 - here are the basics:
1) ALL PHOTOS MUST BE TAKEN ON THE 12TH OF EACH MONTH.
2) After you post your pictures onto a webpage of your choice (Livejournal, typepad, MySpace, Flickr, etc...) please post the TIME, LOCATION, and A SMALL COMMENT in the pic.
3) You own the rights to all of your pictures. The idea "12 of 12" is Chad Darnell's. While credit is not necessary, please don't credit someone else with the idea.
4) The original concept was at least one body part in the picture. That idea was slowly faded away. The important part is that it is 12 pics.
5) The monthly Bonus pic is a 13th picture and is optional.
6) When referring to the project, please refer to it as "12 OF 12" - not "12 ON 12."
7) Once completed, please e-mail or post the PERMALINK of the post AND the city and state or city and country of WHERE THE PICTURES WERE TAKEN. (If you are on vacation, it's where the pics were taken.)
(The permalink is the link to the ENTRY of your page. If you just send me your website, I have to track it down. By listing the permalink, it helps for people to go back and view your previous 12 of 12 entries from previous months.)
ANYONE is welcome to join in, even if you've never done it before! I hope you will.