I Have A Mind Like A Steel Seive

It is no secret that I struggle with depression. Sometimes it's better, sometimes it's worse, but ultimately it's always there. When I lived by myself, and spent a lot of time alone, dealing with it was easy. If I didn't want to go out, no problem. If I didn't want to talk to people, no problem. If I wanted to cry in the shower for half an hour then go back to bed and sleep for a day, it was no problem. Now that I don't live alone anymore it's a big problem.

I'm not certain if the pressure to perform that I feel is self-imposed, or correctly interpreted. I go places I don't enjoy with people I don't like more often than I used to, which was basically never. I feel my reluctance to engage is seen as an output of my depression as opposed to a genuine aversion, and therefore challenged or discounted. Which makes me feel worse, and sadly, unsure of myself. I'm beginning to understand that as a part of a couple, I'll never again have anything just for myself. That I will have to say goodbye to certain things that I want or that matter to me. As you can see, I've got the buffet set up for my pity party, and the invitation has already been sent. To myself.

Since I know that I cannot change others, only myself, I've decided that I'll work on the problem in another way. Next week I'm going to get a SPECT scan of my brain. Basically, this scan takes place during activity and at rest, showing how all the parts of your brain engage. This is helpful to see essentially what's not switched on. When a trained doctor looks at the results, they can determine the best course of treatment for activating dormant processes, or reversing ones that need to be swapped. The graphic representation can look like a brain outline with voids where activity should be, or a power grid map with cities abandoned blazing with light or cities that have a large population completely dark. If the lights are on, but nobody's home there's a problem. Regulating the power grid is achieved through nutrition, exercise and in some cases medication. I am eager to get a better handle on this. Cognitive therapy has been enormously helpful, but I feel that without the type of deeper scrutiny that a SPECT scan will give, I've plateaued and will be aware of my feelings, understand my behavior, but continue to be unable to change either any further.

I am happy with my life. I'm lucky in love, work, family and finance. I want to be able to enjoy all of it to the fullest. And I'm going to find out how.

12 of 12 April 08

8:28 AM- I'm feeling neglectful of my household duties, so I stay home this morning to do paperwork and filing. I'm going to see a new doctor next month and have to fill out a ton of gross forms.


10:11 AM- I am a crack-up. If only either of us could remember what I said to get this reaction. Then we could all laugh together...


11:21AM- On our way to chocolate shopping, we stop at Colorado Kitchen for brunch. If you are in the DC area, don't let the opportunity to dine here pass you by. The joint only holds 50 people but boy is it good! A good value, too.


12:02 PM- It did not take long to share a patty melt and corn flour waffles. Gavin got bacon and a side of sausages with his waffles, I got crispy onion strings on the plate with my melt. All incredibly good. Chef Gillian Clark makes what is considered among the top 10 burgers in DC. Having tried two of the ten, I think she's the best so far. The waffles were awesome! Subtle corn flavor, fluffy and light topped with butter and maple syrup.


1:35 PM- After unexpectedly running in to some friends at the chocolate shop, they convince us to go to Arrowine with them for some free cheese and wine tastings. Like we need more to eat after 6 different kinds of chocolate and brunch. Remind me why I didn't exercise this morning?


6:13 PM- I wake from my food and heat induced nap to discover that the china I bought has arrived. The pattern is called "Dirty Dishes" because they're naked ladies all around the edge. I love it.


6:16 PM- MD heat wave+no building A/C=chores in underpants. GMiller vacums while trying to beat the heat.


6:47 PM- It is so hot in the condo that our wine needs a cool down before it's drinkable. Watching Good Eats and drinking a nice Spanish red is a good way to stay cool.


7:54 PM- Pepper also feels that it's too hot. If he were an old man, he'd be wearing dark trousers with a strap undershirt and a handkerchief on his bald head. Since he's a cat, he's trying to provide as much surface area for cool air as possible. A new renewable energy source? Perhaps.


10:54 PM- Both Casino Royale and the wine are over, and bedtime soon approaches.


11:15 PM- Flannel and Steve McQueen share a secret: You don't have to beat the heat if you're born cool.


11:51 PM-I like that every night spent with GMiller ends with a kiss.

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I Picked 'em: Why I can't really complain about work anymore

Over the past few months, I've been checking out my options on the job front, as I've mentioned in a previous post. I felt like things were as good as they were going to get at my company for me, and that the things I wanted next just weren't in the cards. So I floated my resume out there, dropped hints, etc. In April, an opportunity falls in my lap. On a friend's recommendation, I get a cold call for an interview. I go, they have some of what I'm looking for... Same sort of work, same BD tool, more responsibility and FLEX TIME. The interview goes well and I get a call for a second interview. Again, the interview goes well.

During this two week time period, I have to do some tall thinking about why I would leave where I am and go somewhere else. I decide not to wrap myself in a knot about it until I get an offer, preferring to be excited about my desirability as a professional. While we're in Williamsburg at the end of March, I get the job. Huge salary increase, work from home 3 days a week (good for raising any small humans in my future)and marketing autonomy. The gnashing of the teeth begins. I talk with GMiller about it. I talk with MY dad about it. I talk with HIS dad about it. I talk with Group about it. I accept the offer. Now comes the hard part; telling my boss I'm leaving. I cry, he's upset, my staff cries... As it turns out, I am valued, trusted and loved at my current company. They don't want me to leave! What will it take for me to stay? After talking to my boss again, we agree to several things, including FLEX TIME. Hooray! All of this in the span of four days.

So I call the new company to decline and they are so MEAN! I could understand being disappointed, but for the love of Mike, my decision is not an indictment of them as human beings! They even got my friend to call me and try to guilt me in to working there. How's that for unprofessional and crappy? They could not have done more to cement my decision to stay with my current company. What a bunch of pus-heads.

Now my work is like a new fiance. We're wedded. We're registered at Target. Just kidding.