New Lamps for Old

Embracing change is something I’ve been learning to do for the past six years or so. Life had arranged itself, as it often does, to show me that the methods I was using to affect positive change were inadequate. I found the right person to show me new ways to think about myself and approach situations. During this process, I learned some hard truths. The close and loving relationship I had with my mother was in fact insular and damaging. I had been taught to push people away. My lack of empathy was astonishing. It doesn’t help that I’m hard wired as an ENTJ, where thought and reason come before feelings. I had to learn to fit others in to my life, and allow them to care for me. Another hard truth about myself: Caring is a learned skill for me, not an instinct. I had to learn to relax my boundaries, testing myself to accept as a first instinct as opposed to default rejection.

In my last long term relationship, I was deeply in love. My first experience with love as the more emotionally capable person I am now; my first experience with a love that could blossom into a lifetime commitment. From my perspective, we were deeply connected, intertwined in a way that was not based on feelings of dependency or need, but focused more on enjoying the people we were separately and what we became when we were together. I cared about him easily, because he is desperately appealing to me. Caring for people in his life that did not appeal to me was a challenge that I didn’t always meet successfully. My effort was apparent, though I never flagged in my commitment to try.

I also came to care about other people in his life, people that DID appeal to me. There were relationships that I cultivated, that mattered to me, that are now gone, because my love relationship is over. After three years of entertaining these people, sharing milestones in their lives, welcoming new babies, animated conversations, and meals prepared and shared in friendship it’s all gone. Now I feel like they only saw me as an accessory that my partner carried with him, like his keys or his wallet. It did not make a difference to them whether I was there or not. I understand that part of the happiness I felt over the past three years was as a direct result of what I shared with these people. It doesn’t retroactively diminish the quality of the last few years of my life, but it certainly makes me think less of them now. One of my friends has been generous in offering him the goodwill of continued friendship. One of my friends has chosen him and not me. A couple of his friends see me, but don’t invite me to social functions they host, though I certainly have no restrictions on how or when I see them.

As my life begins to take its new shape, I find that it is easier for me to reach out to others, to ask for what I need and to enjoy people as they are. I’m starting new friendships that may deepen or they may not. I am having a good time in the moment with these new folks. They are important to me. As long as they wish to share their friendship with me, I’ll graciously accept it. These new people in my life give me light and warmth, they combine with the people who have remained constant in my life to help me feel connected, and less alone. I am grateful for them.