Depression is like a red sock in my white load of laundry. It colors everything it touches. What do you do when the most exciting thing you can think of is finally getting home and pulling the covers over your head? These days I look forward to it more than lunch. I make plans with friends, buy tickets to events I know I'll enjoy and talk with the people who care about me regularly. It all feels forced to me. Do my friends notice or is this how I always seem to them?
Right now, the most upsetting thing is not coping with this illness, but how it colors my relationships. I am not broken, but this may make me seem damaged; unable to care for myself and eventually become a burden too heavy to bear. I am responsible for getting better, seeking help and remaining faithful to my course of treatment. Me. Not my family, friends or anyone else. I am not in denial about the quality, severity or duration of this illness. Still I am ashamed of my depression. A part of me believes that I am less than whole because of it. A part of me believes that the person that matters the most to me believes it, too.
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2 comments:
Testify sister!
Your blog is the second in so many days that I have read about being so depressed.
I also understand how you feel about having depression. I feel the same way - broken or ask myself why can't I just shake it off? Why can't I be like everybody else? When I was taking medication it was a daily reminder of my "failure" to control my anxiety disorder. Why am I afraid of stupid shit I didn't used to be afraid of?
I am not really ashamed of it though because I know there are A LOT of people out there drinking away their pain and anxiety and numbing themselves by other means - I feel good knowing at least I am honest to myself and others about my condition and I am doing something about it.
You'll be fine once this passes and I'm sure once the days get a little longer that will help. I know the short days really affect me too.
HUGS!
I don't think you are less than whole. No matter what, you mean a great deal to me and I genuinely care about how you are doing. It makes me sad to hear you have such feelings about yourself when you are depressed. And even more so, when I think I may be contributing to it. I hope lunch today was a step in the other direction. I know I enjoyed spending the time with you, even more so because it was unplanned. I still get a funny feeling (the good kind!) when I see you, and that makes me feel good and adds to my hopefullness about our future.
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