I Have A Mind Like A Steel Seive

It is no secret that I struggle with depression. Sometimes it's better, sometimes it's worse, but ultimately it's always there. When I lived by myself, and spent a lot of time alone, dealing with it was easy. If I didn't want to go out, no problem. If I didn't want to talk to people, no problem. If I wanted to cry in the shower for half an hour then go back to bed and sleep for a day, it was no problem. Now that I don't live alone anymore it's a big problem.

I'm not certain if the pressure to perform that I feel is self-imposed, or correctly interpreted. I go places I don't enjoy with people I don't like more often than I used to, which was basically never. I feel my reluctance to engage is seen as an output of my depression as opposed to a genuine aversion, and therefore challenged or discounted. Which makes me feel worse, and sadly, unsure of myself. I'm beginning to understand that as a part of a couple, I'll never again have anything just for myself. That I will have to say goodbye to certain things that I want or that matter to me. As you can see, I've got the buffet set up for my pity party, and the invitation has already been sent. To myself.

Since I know that I cannot change others, only myself, I've decided that I'll work on the problem in another way. Next week I'm going to get a SPECT scan of my brain. Basically, this scan takes place during activity and at rest, showing how all the parts of your brain engage. This is helpful to see essentially what's not switched on. When a trained doctor looks at the results, they can determine the best course of treatment for activating dormant processes, or reversing ones that need to be swapped. The graphic representation can look like a brain outline with voids where activity should be, or a power grid map with cities abandoned blazing with light or cities that have a large population completely dark. If the lights are on, but nobody's home there's a problem. Regulating the power grid is achieved through nutrition, exercise and in some cases medication. I am eager to get a better handle on this. Cognitive therapy has been enormously helpful, but I feel that without the type of deeper scrutiny that a SPECT scan will give, I've plateaued and will be aware of my feelings, understand my behavior, but continue to be unable to change either any further.

I am happy with my life. I'm lucky in love, work, family and finance. I want to be able to enjoy all of it to the fullest. And I'm going to find out how.