Stumbling In...

Did you ever wonder what happened to an old flame? I always wonder, especially if I felt like I was a jerk to them, or that we were jerks to each other. My curiosity about a mutual jerk old flame lead me through the Internet eventually to this site.

Over a decade ago, I was involved with a man and his two young children. Neither he nor I were wise in the ways of effective relationships; I being too young and selfish, he being caught in the middle of trying to establish his own identity after the dissolution of his first marriage. We moved in together with out much consideration for the consequences, and spent the majority of our remaining time together repenting at leisure. Differences in financial management, childrearing and general household rules made for a tense and resentful environment. In the end,we made separate arrangements, and did not keep in touch.

Here's the kicker: I loved his kids AND I disagreed with the way both he and his former wife were raising them. They didn't work together on any decisions about the kids; both bright, talented, inquisitive children. Neither of them were responsible enough not to let the emotional impact of their marriage dissolving splash all over those very small, fragile personalities. The kids ping-ponged from a household with too many rules and restrictions (hers) to one with almost none (his).

How do you say to a kid: "I don't really like your parents, kid, but I sure do love you"? I couldn't think of a way and always regretted it. You can't really have a relationship with the kids if both parents would rather you didn't.

I learned a lot from that relationship. Those lessons have lead me to the relationship I have now with the love of my life. I understand now that you have to be on the same wavelength with a person about how you manage money, how you want to raise your kids and the state of your shared living space. You have to take your time getting to know someone, and more importantly, you have to know yourself.

So, I was always curious about what this old flame was up to, whether he learned any lessons, found success or happiness, hoping he found both. I found an art site that he was a member of, and found his blog, the blog of his current love interest and that of one of his kids. SHOCKEROONIE! The kids were in high school. HIGH SCHOOL! I didn't expect that. Why did I think that they would be the same elementary school aged children? I just didn't think.

Reading about the people that I was so connected to so many years ago feels strange. My initial impression was that the kids were very different than they used to be, but after I thought about it, they didn't seem so different after all. They boy still seems to meet everything with an ebullient optimism, even when he's struggling. The girl has a huge emotional hurt (that she's now able to articulate), that I remember being there, even when she was small. I felt so helpless to guide her then; I couldn't even help myself.

My old flame found his way into an unconventional romantic relationship, but it seems to work for him. I can imagine that the now ex would rather cut off and eat one of her own fingers than expose the kids to something so beyond the pale; she was always the biggest jerk in my relationship with her former husband. I'm glad that my old flame has met the woman he can love so totally and share her whole life.

I still miss those kids.